Lamentation: Wrestling with God in the Brokenness

I wasn’t raised to lament.

I was raised to pray but only in hushed tones. Hands folded neatly. Heads bowed in reverence. The volume and tone mattered: always respectful, always measured. Begin with thanksgiving. Ask gently, and only if you follow it with “if it’s Your will.” When pain entered the room, we did not bring it to God; we tried to stifle it with gratitude. I was taught that sorrow could teeter on the edge of disrespect or ungratefulness. Deep questions were discouraged. Tears were wiped away quickly. Emotions were filtered before they reached heaven.

But as I grew in my faith, especially through suffering, I began to realize that the way I had learned to pray left little room for the kind of grief that doesn’t resolve quickly. For injustice. For betrayal. For the ache of watching the world unravel and wondering why God feels so silent.

It was through His Word, as I came to know His unchanging character and covenant love, that I discovered lament—an invitation to bring my sorrow and questions to Him, not hide them.

Lament: A Forgotten Form of Faith

In many churches, lamentation is overlooked or misunderstood. It’s absent from many family prayer traditions entirely. But the Bible does not shy away from lament, it boldly embraces it.

Lament is the language of a faithful heart in pain. It is what we pray when we are confused, angry, grieving, or disillusioned. Lament does not reject God. It clings to Him with open hands and an honest heart. It is not a complaint or a lack of gratitude. Biblically, lament is a form of worship.

Throughout Scripture, we see this kind of prayer repeatedly. The book of Lamentations mourns the devastation of Jerusalem with raw clarity. Nearly one-third of the Psalms are psalms of lament. Job cries out to God in confusion, anger, and sorrow, and God honors his voice. Even Jesus, in His final hours, quoted Psalm 22: “My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?”

What Lament Truly Is

Lament follows a sacred rhythm in Scripture:

1. It turns to God.

2. It names the pain with brutal honesty.

3. It pleads for help, even boldly.

4. It reaffirms trust in who God is.

Lament refuses to pretend. It does not hide pain behind platitudes or shrink it to make others more comfortable. Instead, it brings grief, injustice, fear, and sorrow into the presence of a holy and compassionate God.

And here’s the heart of it: negative emotions—grief, frustration, even anger and sadness—are not foreign to God. They are not outside the realm of holiness. Scripture tells us that we are made in the image of God, and that includes our emotional capacity. God grieves. God becomes angry at injustice. Jesus wept. These emotions are not signs of spiritual immaturity but reflections of God’s heart. When we lament, we echo those same emotional truths, trusting that God can handle them and that He welcomes our honesty.

Lament as Relational Trust

Lament is deeply relational. It is what we do when we believe God can handle the truth of our hearts. Just as a child cries out to a parent, not just for answers but for presence, so lament reaches toward a faithful God who invites us into communion, even in sorrow.

This sacred exchange is rooted in covenant love. The Israelites cried out not because they stopped believing in God, but because they believed His character was still trustworthy. “God, You said You are just. You said You are kind. This pain doesn’t make sense in light of who You are. So I bring it to You.”

That is the distinction between lament and complaint. Complaint turns away. Lament turns toward.

True faith is not about stoically quoting Scripture while we suppress our anguish. It is not about putting on a strong face while falling apart inside. Biblical faith is found in relational surrender, the kind of surrender that says, “I don’t understand You right now, but I still trust You enough to bring this to You.”

And in that sacred space, we encounter a kind of intimacy that surface-level prayers will never reach.

The Healing Power of Honest Connection

Psalm 34:18 tells us, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 51:17 adds, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

What a contrast to how many of us were taught to pray. God does not turn away from our pain. He draws near to it. He honors it when it is brought to Him in faith.

Modern relationship research supports this spiritual truth. In emotionally secure relationships—whether between spouses, parents and children, or close friends—emotional vulnerability fosters deeper connection when it is met with empathy and attunement. Dr. John Gottman’s research on marriage emphasizes that healthy relationships are not free from conflict, but are marked by the ability to “turn toward” one another in difficult moments. Dr. Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy shows that vulnerable sharing, when received with safety, builds lasting emotional bonds.

Researcher Dr. Dan Siegel adds that emotional attunement between parent and child builds neurological and relational security. A child who is allowed to express fear or sadness and is met with presence, not punishment, develops resilience. Our relationship with God is no different. When we cry out and are met with His presence, we grow in trust. We grow in faith.

This is precisely what lament offers us. It is the soul turning toward God with its most vulnerable cries. Lament is an attachment cry—an act of trust that deepens our relationship and lived experience with Him.

The Fruit of Wrestling

God’s people were never meant to pray shallow prayers in painful seasons. We were meant to wrestle with Him. That wrestling, like Jacob’s long night or Job’s anguished monologues, brings us face to face with who God is. And the fruit of that kind of prayer is not just relief, but transformation. Intimacy. Humility. An increased faith.

The Apostle Paul encourages believers in Philippians 4:6–7, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

That kind of peace doesn’t come from ignoring our pain. It comes from bringing all of it—our grief, our questions, our longings—to the One who is all-powerful, all-knowing, ever-present, and who lovingly pursues a Father-child relationship with us.

A Courageous and Faithful Prayer

Lament is not a spiritual weakness. It is an act of courage. It is not immaturity—it is faith that is willing to struggle. Lament says, “Even when I cannot see You, I still believe You are near. Even in silence, I believe You listen and You are good.”

Maybe it’s time to reclaim the language of lament in our churches, in our homes, and in our personal walks with God. Maybe it’s time we teach our children that bringing their sorrow and confusion to God is not only okay, it’s sacred.

When we lament, we join the voices of Job, David, Jeremiah, Habakkuk, and even Jesus Himself. We cry from the wilderness, and in that cry, we draw closer to the heart of God.

Don’t be afraid to pray ugly prayers. Your Father isn’t put off by your brokenness. He delights in your honesty—your intentional choice to come to Him instead of turning away. He meets you in the wrestle. And He will not let go.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

The Holy Spirit: God’s Gift, Our Advocate and Guide

Growing up, I had a clear understanding of God the Father as the Creator and sovereign ruler of the universe. He was the One who spoke the world into existence, holding all things together by His will. More than just a Creator, God deeply loves us and relentlessly pursues our hearts. His love is not distant or passive but active, seeking to bring us into relationship with Him.

Jesus made sense to me, too. As the Son of God, He came to earth fully God and fully human, full of grace and truth. God so loved the world that He sent His only Son, who healed the sick, taught about God's love, and ultimately sacrificed Himself on the cross for our sins, offering us redemption through His death and resurrection. Through Jesus, God's love for us is made tangible and personal.

But the Holy Spirit? That was harder to grasp. He felt distant, almost mysterious, like a part of the faith that only "spiritual" people understood or felt.

I remember being young and asking, “What does the Holy Spirit actually do?” Someone gave me a vague answer about guidance and comfort, but it left me with more questions than clarity. I’ve heard that same uncertainty echoed in conversations with friends, clients, and people in my small group. The Holy Spirit is mentioned often, but many of us were unsure how to relate to Him personally.

And yet, Jesus said something astonishing in John 16:7: “It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you.” He was referring to the Holy Spirit, calling Him a gift—not just a bonus feature in the Christian life, but someone so vital that He is part of the Trinity. Jesus said it would be better for us if He left so the Spirit could come. That means the Holy Spirit isn’t optional.

He’s essential.

The Holy Spirit Resurrects Us to Spiritual Life

Think about the moment you first sensed your need for Jesus. That moment of conviction, hunger for something more, clarity that your heart was restless apart from God, that wasn’t you stumbling into spiritual insight on your own. That was the Holy Spirit stirring your heart, giving you new life from what was dead. Titus 3:5 describes this beautifully: “He saved us… through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.” That renewal isn’t a self-improvement project. It’s a spiritual rebirth, something only the Spirit can initiate. I’ve seen this transformation up close.

In my own life and the lives of others, the Spirit breathes life where there was once anxiety, apathy, or despair. It might not always look dramatic, but it’s always sacred. Romans 8:11 gives us this assurance: “If the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you… He will also give life to your mortal bodies because of His Spirit who lives in you.” This isn’t just theological. It’s deeply personal. That new life the Spirit brings is what makes it possible to begin and maintain an intimate relationship with God.

The Holy Spirit Helps Us Grow

Of course, salvation is just the beginning. Once we begin following Jesus, we quickly learn that we’re still a work in progress. Old habits, wounds, fears, and sinful patterns don’t magically disappear. But the Holy Spirit doesn’t leave us to figure it all out on our own. He convicts us, not to shame us, but to transform us. I’ve had moments where I acted out of insecurity or fear and later felt a quiet, clear prompting: “That’s not who you are anymore.” The Spirit gently reminded me that I’ve been made new, and I don’t need to live as though I’m still stuck in old patterns.

Galatians 5:16 encourages us to “walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” A few verses later, we see a glimpse of that walk and the fruit we would bear: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." This isn’t a checklist to master by willpower. It’s the result of surrender, repentance, and humility. And just to clarify, it’s not nine separate fruits—it’s one fruit of the Spirit that possesses nine beautifully integrated characteristics that grow together. The more we intentionally yield to the Spirit, the more this fruit naturally shows up in our lives.

I’ve seen this in counseling sessions and personal friendships; the Spirit softens hardened hearts, heals fractured relationships, and gives people the strength to forgive, persevere, and love again. Not because they tried harder, but because they surrendered what they had idolized the most, whether it was their pride, comfort, control, or past hurts, and allowed the Spirit to work deeper. It’s through this surrender that true transformation happens, as the Spirit reshapes desires and frees people from the stronghold of their idols.

The Holy Spirit Illuminates Truth

Have you ever opened your Bible, read a passage, and felt like you were reading a foreign language? I definitely have. But then there are times when that same passage feels alive, personal, timely, even piercing. That’s the Holy Spirit. 1 Corinthians 2:12 tells us, “We have received… the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us.” Understanding Scripture isn’t just about intelligence or theology.

It’s about relationship.

The Holy Spirit, who inspired the Scriptures, helps me understand them better. My approach to reading the Bible has changed; I used to read just for facts, but now I hope for a real encounter with God. Before I start, I try to take a moment to pray, asking, “Holy Spirit, please show me what I need to see.” It’s a simple shift, but it opens the door to deeper connection, revelation, and application.

The Holy Spirit Intercedes for Us

There are seasons in life when words fail. When grief is too deep, when anxiety feels suffocating, or when the right prayer just won’t come. I’ve sat on the edge of my bed with tears in my eyes, wanting to pray but not knowing what to say. In those moments, I’m comforted by the truth in Romans 8:26: “The Spirit helps us in our weakness. The Spirit Himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”

What a gift that even when we’re silent, the Spirit is speaking on our behalf. He knows our hearts. He knows God’s will. And He bridges the gap between the two.

This is especially comforting for those of us who carry emotional burdens like past wounds, relational strain, and spiritual doubts. The Spirit doesn’t back away from our pain. He moves toward it with compassion and power.

The Holy Spirit Gives Us Discernment

We live in a world overflowing with information. Social media, sermons, books, influencers, and even Christian podcasts all speak with authority. But not all voices align with God’s truth.

2 Timothy 4:3 warns that “a time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. They will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.” We’re living in that time.

I’ve talked with people who unknowingly followed teachings that sounded biblical but were subtly centered on self, culture, or comfort. The Holy Spirit helps us discern truth from distortion. 1 John 4:1 urges us to “test the spirits to see whether they are from God.” That means we’re not called to blindly accept every message just because it’s labeled “Christian” or feels right. The Spirit will always point us back to the Word, to Jesus, and to truth—truth that is unified, consistent, and never contradictory.

Living by the Spirit

So how do we live by the Spirit in a real and practical way? It starts with an invitation. Each morning, we can simply say: “Holy Spirit, help me see what You’re doing. Help me hear Your voice. Help me obey. Correct any lies or misunderstandings.” We don’t need to manufacture an emotional experience. We just need to be intentional and available.

We live by the Spirit when we open our Bibles and invite Him to speak to us, when we take a moment to pause before reacting and seek His guidance, when we listen for conviction and respond with humility, when we evaluate what we hear or feel against God’s Word, and when we trust that even in our moments of silence or confusion, the Spirit is already at work within us.

The Holy Spirit is not a distant mystery. He’s a present, active, personal Helper. He doesn’t want to visit your life; He wants to dwell in it. This is to empower, guide, comfort, and transform us.

Let’s not miss the extraordinary gift God gave us. The Holy Spirit is not just a theological concept to study but a Person to know and trust.

Reflection Questions

1. Where do you see the fruit of the Spirit showing up in your life? Where is it harder to see—perhaps in your relationships, reactions, or internal thoughts?

2. Are there areas where you’re trying to grow in your own strength instead of relying on the Spirit? What would it look like to invite the Spirit into those places with honesty and humility?

3. How often do you open the Word of God with a heart ready to be taught by the Spirit? What gets in the way of spending time in Scripture?

4. Do you feel confident in recognizing false teachings? Are there beliefs or influences you’ve followed that may have felt good or easy but didn’t align with Scripture?

5. What does it mean for you personally that God not only sent Jesus to rescue you but also sent the Spirit to dwell within you?

www.sandraleecounseling.com

The Love That Prunes: Embracing the Seasons of Growth

As spring arrived, I stood on my front porch, trying to remember what my friend had taught me and overthinking how to prune the rose bushes around my home. I trimmed away dead branches and shaped them for new growth, a task that always makes me think of the cycles of life and growth. Pruning, though it may feel harsh, is necessary for healthy development. Without it, plants become tangled, stagnant, and unable to thrive. The process feels like loss, cutting away parts that once flourished, but it’s not just spring’s arrival that makes it necessary. The changing seasons, summer's season of growth and flourishing, fall’s shedding of leaves, and winter’s period of rest prepare the ground for new growth in the spring. Each season plays a vital role, setting the stage for the flourishing that’s to come. As I pruned, I reflected on how these seasons, and the pruning within them, mirrored deeper truths in my own life.

In today’s culture, we often equate love with comfort and acceptance. We hear, “God is love, so just accept everyone as they are.” But this definition of love feels incomplete. True love, especially the love of God, doesn’t leave us where we are. It refines and transforms us. It’s not always soft or easy. God’s love often comes in the form of pruning, cutting away what no longer serves us so we can grow into who He created us to be. It’s not about staying cozy; it’s about being shaped for something greater, something eternal.

The Seasons of Pruning

In John 15:1-2, Jesus says, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” These verses offer a profound truth: pruning is an essential part of growth. It challenges our cultural understanding of love, which often focuses only on comfort and peace. But the love Jesus describes doesn’t shy away from what’s necessary for true growth, it engages in the refining work of pruning.

Pruning is not punishment, it’s preparation. As I cut away dead branches from my roses, I’m making space for new growth. God’s pruning works the same way in our lives. Sometimes, it means cutting away distractions, unhealthy relationships, or sinful patterns that may seem harmless but are ultimately hindering our growth. But how do we recognize what needs to be pruned? This is where God, in His wisdom, speaks to us—through Scripture, prayer, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

When we spend time in His Word, He reveals the areas in our lives that have become tangled, stagnant, or overgrown with distractions. Prayer becomes a space where we seek His discernment, asking Him to show us what is no longer serving His purpose. The Holy Spirit gently convicts and redirects us, illuminating unhealthy attachments, attitudes, beliefs, or misplaced priorities that we may not have noticed on our own.

Sometimes, the pruning is obvious, sinful habits or relationships that pull us away from Him. Other times, it’s more subtle, things that are good but not best. Like a rose bush with too many healthy branches crowding out new growth, we may hold onto commitments, identities, or desires that prevent us from stepping fully into His purpose. Recognizing these requires humility and trust, believing that even when God asks us to let go, it’s always for something greater.

Embracing the Necessary Seasons of Change

When I prune my roses, I sometimes question why I’m cutting away a healthy-looking branch. It seems perfectly fine to me. Yet, my friend reminds me that even healthy branches can steal energy, block sunlight, or crowd out new growth. This is where God’s timing becomes so important. There are times when what seems good in our lives can actually prevent us from flourishing. The process of pruning can feel like loss, but it’s God’s loving hand guiding us toward more, more life, more growth, more fruit.

The seasons of life can feel similarly unsettling. There are seasons when we’re asked to let go of things we hold close, such as certain beliefs, identities, relationships, habits, or even dreams that once defined us. In those seasons, it’s easy to resist, to wonder why a loving God would ask us to give up something that seems good. But like the rose bush, we need the pruning to make space for what’s better—what needs to be corrected, refined, and aligned with His will—what’s eternal. God’s love works through these changes, reshaping us to become more of what He intended all along.

Ephesians 4:22-24 says, "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

A Season for Every Purpose

The changing of seasons is a natural, necessary part of life. As we walk through life’s seasons, we often encounter moments of growth, rest, pruning, and fruitfulness. These shifts remind us that God is always at work, actively shaping us according to His will. Philippians 1:6 offers encouragement in this truth: "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." God is not idle during the changing seasons. Every season has a purpose, whether we understand it at the time or not.

Pruning can often be the most painful when we don’t understand the purpose behind it. It takes faith to trust that God’s plan for us is unfolding, even when we can't yet see the full picture. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." In those moments of uncertainty, we may not immediately know why certain things are being removed or changed, but by faith, we trust that each season and each change is necessary for our growth. Just as winter prepares the earth to receive the renewal of spring, so too do the challenging seasons in our lives prepare us for the flourishing to come.

Are You Ready for the Pruning?

The fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, grows in us when we allow God to prune what is not of Him. Just as my roses need cuts and nurturing soil to thrive, we need God's refining work to bear fruit in our lives. Pruning may be uncomfortable and often painful, but it’s necessary for the abundant life He promises.

What is God asking you to surrender today? Is there something that might be holding you back from the growth He desires for you? It's natural to want control over the things in our lives, especially those that are familiar or tied to our identity. We often cling to what feels safe or comfortable because it gives us a sense of stability. But sometimes, these things may prevent us from stepping into the full potential God has for us. In those moments, it can be a reminder to trust that God's plans, even when they require us to let go, are ultimately better than what we can see or understand in the present. Surrendering to His refining work may feel difficult, but it allows us to experience a deeper growth and freedom in Him.

When we resist God’s pruning, we limit what He can do in us. Surrendering control isn’t about losing something, it’s about gaining something far more valuable: a deeper relationship with God and the transformation He promises. The shears may feel sharp, but the fruit and blossoms that follow are worth it. Trusting God with the seasons of change is an act of faith, choosing to believe that He sees the bigger picture, even when we can’t fully understand it.

Are you willing to trust Him, even when it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar? Are you ready to surrender and let Him prune you for the greater purpose He has planned?

www.sandraleecounseling.com

The Art of Communication: Honoring the Body of Christ

Communication is one of the most powerful tools we possess. It can build bridges or tear them down, foster understanding or create division. In today’s world, communication often feels like a battle to be won. We see it in political debates, social media arguments, and even personal relationships, each person striving to prove their point, to be heard, to win. But what if communication wasn’t about winning? What if, instead of trying to assert dominance, we sought to untangle misunderstandings and truly listen to one another?

Why Communication is Essential in Christian Counseling

In my counseling practice, I emphasize communication heavily because it is foundational to both deep healing and relational restoration. Many individuals and couples seek counseling because they feel unheard, misunderstood, or unable to express their needs effectively. Communication breakdowns can lead to anxiety, resentment, and isolation, whereas healthy communication fosters connection, trust, and emotional security.

From the beginning, God has demonstrated the significance of communication. Genesis 1 shows that God spoke creation into existence, underscoring the power of words to shape reality. John 1:1 tells us, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." Jesus, as the living Word, embodies the very essence of truth and revelation. Hebrews 1:1-2 and John 14:26 remind us that God has always communicated with humanity, first through the prophets in the Old Testament, then through Jesus to His disciples, and now through the Holy Spirit and Scripture. If God chose to reveal Himself through His Word, then how we use our words becomes deeply important. Our ability to communicate reflects not only our relationships with others but also our relationship with God.

Communication as a Reflection of the Body of Christ

This blog post was inspired by listening to a podcast by Jefferson Fisher, a trial lawyer, and the Bible study Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby and Claude King. Fisher describes communication not as a means to dominate a conversation but as a way to engage with curiosity, to learn about the other person rather than simply refuting them. This perspective aligns beautifully with 1 Corinthians 12, where Paul reminds us that we are all part of one body, each with different gifts and perspectives. If we are to function as the body of Christ, our goal in communication must shift from conquering to connecting, from arguing to honoring.

Jesus is the perfect model of this balance. He engaged in conversation with others in ways that invited understanding rather than creating barriers. His dialogue with the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4) is a striking example. Instead of condemning her past or arguing theology, Jesus met her where she was, asked thoughtful questions, and spoke truth with grace. His approach didn’t dismiss sin, but it also didn’t use truth as a weapon. Instead, His words led to conviction, healing, and transformation.

Dr. Gary Chapman, in his Focus on the Family podcast, points out how we tend to focus on what is wrong rather than on what is right. He uses the analogy of counterfeit money. Rather than studying counterfeits, experts focus on the real thing so they can recognize falsehoods when they arise. Likewise, in communication, if we fixate on what is wrong with the other person’s argument, we miss the opportunity to recognize what is good and true in the conversation. This concept aligns with Philippians 4:8, which calls us to dwell on what is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable. When we stop discrediting each other and instead focus on what is good, we foster healthier, more Christ-centered dialogue.

The Role of Communication in Healing

One of the greatest barriers to healing in relationships and personal growth is the inability to communicate emotions, needs, and struggles effectively. In my counseling sessions, I often see how unspoken wounds and unresolved conflicts create walls between individuals. Many people hesitate to communicate out of fear—fear of rejection, fear of being misunderstood, or fear of conflict. However, suppressing emotions does not make them disappear; rather, it often leads to resentment and further emotional distress.

On the other hand, some individuals impose their thoughts and feelings on others, almost demanding to be understood while failing to extend the same courtesy. This approach can be just as damaging as it dismisses the other person's perspective and creates an environment of pressure rather than mutual understanding. Healthy communication requires balance, both the courage to express oneself honestly and the humility to listen without forcing agreement.

Proverbs 18:2 warns, "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion." This verse reflects the communication breakdown we see so frequently today, not just in heated debates or online arguments, but in our everyday conversations with loved ones, friends, and colleagues. How often do we find ourselves waiting for our turn to speak rather than truly listening? How many times do we rush to defend our stance instead of seeking to understand the heart behind someone else’s words? We are all guilty of this at times, allowing pride or impatience to take precedence over connection.

In contrast, James 1:19 gives us a biblical model for healthy communication: "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." This passage reminds us that true wisdom is found in pausing, listening, and approaching conversations with humility rather than self-interest.

The Science of Effective Communication

Evidence-based studies on communication support this biblical model. Research in psychology and conflict resolution highlights that people are more likely to engage in meaningful dialogue when they feel heard and respected.

Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on relationships, emphasizes that healthy communication is not about attacking or defending but about understanding. His studies show that couples who practice active listening, where one person listens to understand rather than to respond, experience stronger, more lasting relationships. This aligns with Proverbs 15:1, which states, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Similarly, in professional and social settings, negotiation expert William Ury advocates for what he calls the “third side” approach, where instead of seeing only our perspective or theirs, we step back and look at the bigger picture. This aligns with Philippians 2:4, which instructs us to, "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Practical Ways to Communicate with Honor

If we desire to communicate in a way that reflects the unity of the body of Christ, we must cultivate habits that honor others in conversation. Here are some key principles to practice:

• Seek First to Understand – Before responding, ask clarifying questions. “Help me understand your perspective” opens the door to dialogue rather than debate.

• Listen with Curiosity, Not Judgment – Approach conversations with a genuine interest in the other person’s experiences and views.

• Detach from the Need to Win – Instead of aiming to “win” an argument, focus on building a relationship.

• Focus on What Is Good – Like recognizing real currency instead of obsessing over counterfeits, seek out the truth and value in what the other person is saying rather than fixating on their flaws.

• Use Words that Build Up – "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear" (Ephesians 4:29).

• Recognize When to Let Go – Not every disagreement needs a resolution. Sometimes, honoring someone means allowing differences to remain while maintaining love and respect.

Communicating with Christlike Love

As members of the body of Christ, our words should reflect our commitment to love, humility, and unity. Communication is not a battleground but a sacred space where we honor one another as God designed. When we speak with the goal of untangling misunderstandings rather than proving points, we embody the wisdom of 1 Corinthians 12, recognizing that each person plays a vital role in God’s design.

As you reflect on your own conversations, where can you shift from proving a point to truly listening? What steps can you take to foster meaningful, Christ-honoring dialogue in your daily interactions? Psalm 139:23-24 provides a powerful prayer for this reflection: "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

May our communication reflect the heart of Christ, bringing light, truth, and grace into every conversation.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

Shattered but Radiant: God’s Glory Through Our Imperfections

Finding Light in Our Brokenness: Trusting God to Shine

Cracks in a vase aren’t something we celebrate. We hide them, fill them, or toss the vase altogether in shame or frustration. Yet, God invites us to look at our brokenness differently. What if those very cracks in your life—the moments of pain, failure, and inadequacy—are not meant to be hidden or fixed by your own hands but surrendered to Him? What if those cracks are the spaces where His light can shine the brightest?

The image was generated with the assistance of OpenAI's DALL·E model.

I imagined this image of a cracked vase in a dark room. Light pours from within, shining brilliantly through the fractures. The cracks, far from being flaws, become the vessel’s most striking feature. The light exposes what’s hidden, warms the room, and brings life and healing. That image beautifully symbolizes what this post is all about: In our brokenness, God’s light shines through, illuminating the darkness around us.

Take a moment to reflect: What cracks in your life have you been trying to fill or hide on your own? What might happen if, instead of striving to fix them, you allowed God’s light to shine through them?

The Futility of Self-Mending

We all have our favorite ways of trying to fill the gaps in our lives. Some seek validation through relationships, expecting others to fix what’s broken. Perhaps you’ve leaned too heavily on a spouse, a parent, or a friend, hoping their affirmation would make you whole. Others pour their energy into career success, believing that accolades or financial security will make the emptiness disappear.

Still, others might escape into distractions—social media, entertainment, or even ministry itself—anything to avoid confronting the cracks. And when those don’t work, the temptation grows to twist God’s Word, bending Scripture to fit the longings of our hearts rather than submitting our hearts to the truth of His Word.

This is where the psychology of cognitive dissonance comes into play. When our actions or beliefs don’t align with God’s truth, we justify ourselves to ease the discomfort. It might sound like this:

• "God wants me to be happy, so this compromise must be okay."

• "If I’m helping others, God must be pleased, even if I’m burning myself out."

• "Scripture is open to interpretation; maybe this part doesn’t apply to me."

But justification often leads us further from God’s intended path. A common way we justify ourselves is by taking Scripture out of context, using isolated verses to validate choices or beliefs that contradict God’s consistent character. Without careful study, we risk misunderstanding His intent and reshaping His truth to suit our preferences.

Bible scholars emphasize the importance of hermeneutics, the method of interpreting Scripture by seeking its original context and ensuring its meaning aligns with the entirety of God’s Word. This approach safeguards us from creating a God made in our own image or using His Word to justify what He never intended.

Reflect on this: Have you ever bent Scripture to fit your narrative? What would change if you instead sought to align your heart with God’s unchanging Word? God is consistent—He is who He was, is, and is to come. His character does not change, and neither does His Word. To avoid misinterpreting Scripture, we must approach it with humility, seeking to understand its original meaning and how it fits into the overarching narrative of His unchanging nature.

God’s Power Perfected in Weakness

In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, Paul offers a life-changing perspective:

"But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Instead of covering up his weaknesses, Paul embraces them because they showcase God’s power. This is the paradox of surrender: when we stop relying on our own strength, we make room for God’s grace to work in us and through us.

Think about the cracks in your own life. What would happen if you stopped hiding them and instead asked God to shine His light through them? Just as light transforms a cracked vase into something beautiful, your brokenness, surrendered to God, becomes a testimony of His power and sufficiency.

Trusting God’s Higher Way

The wisdom of the world tells us to lean on our own understanding, but God calls us to a different path. Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

Trusting God means letting go of our need to control, fix, or justify ourselves. It means reading and obeying His Word, even when it challenges us or convicts us. His ways are higher, His plans are better, and His promises are sure.

How can we grow in this trust? One of the most powerful ways is by immersing ourselves in Scripture. As the new year approaches, consider committing to reading the entire Bible. A free resource like The Bible Recap by Tara-Leigh Cobble can guide you day by day, helping you see God’s redemptive story and His steadfast faithfulness in every page.

Ask yourself: What would trusting God look like in this season of your life? How can you make time to immerse yourself in His Word?

The Beauty of Surrender

As we return to the image of the cracked vase, consider where you started: What cracks in your life have you been trying to fill with your own efforts? What burdens are you carrying that God is inviting you to surrender?

Surrendering our brokenness to God is not about giving up; it’s about giving in—to His sovereignty, His love, His wisdom, and His grace. It’s about allowing Him to fill the cracks with His light so that His beauty shines through us.

This new year, as you reflect on your life and make plans for what’s ahead, don’t focus on patching yourself up with temporary fixes. Instead, bring your brokenness to the One who makes all things new. Trust Him with your cracks. Let His Word guide you, His Spirit sustain you, and His light shine through you.

Let this be the year you see the cracks in your life as opportunities for His light to shine. Trust Him to transform your brokenness into a testimony of His grace and sufficiency, and allow His love to radiate through every fracture, illuminating the path ahead for you and those around you.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

Set Apart: Resisting the Pull of Conformity and Groupthink

Think back to your teenage years—that time when fitting in felt like the highest priority. Belonging shaped everything from the music we listened to, to the clothes we wore, to the way we spoke. Remember those moments when you wanted to feel part of something, even if it meant adopting the habits, opinions, and trends of those around you? It was easy to go along with the crowd, to avoid standing out, and to be in a place where your views weren’t challenged.

Today, that pull to belong still exists but often takes on new layers. As adults, we’re drawn to like-minded circles where our views feel safe and agreed upon, sometimes leading us to accept popular opinions without question. Conformity and groupthink can subtly shape our beliefs, even to the point where we begin compromising our values. But as followers of Christ, we’re invited into a different kind of belonging—one rooted not in approval or agreement but in our identity in Him.

This post explores what it means to stand firm in our faith, even when the world around us pressures us to conform. More than just a desire for approval, groupthink can obscure our convictions, pulling us away from God’s truth. Together, let’s examine why we’re drawn to these pressures and how we can anchor ourselves in God’s Word—finding a lasting, authentic belonging that doesn’t come at the cost of our faith.

Defining Conformity and Groupthink

Conformity is the tendency to adjust our thoughts or actions to fit within a group, while groupthink occurs when a group’s desire for unity overrides individual opinions, resulting in poor decision-making and limited critical thinking. These social behaviors are not inherently wrong, but they become problematic when they compromise our identity and calling in Christ.

Why We Conform

Conformity often stems from our human desire for acceptance, belonging, protection, and security. Here are some key reasons people tend to conform:

• Desire to Fit In: God designed us for community, but this desire for connection can sometimes lead us to mimic those around us, even if it compromises our values.

• Fear of Rejection: Fear of exclusion, judgment, or misunderstanding can prompt us to prioritize group acceptance over our convictions.

• Need for Belonging: The comfort found in belonging can sometimes come at the cost of compromising beliefs.

• Uncertainty and Lack of Confidence: In moments of doubt, it may feel easier to follow the majority than to stand alone.

• Education and Social Conditioning: Societal norms often discourage critical thinking or dissent, shaping a default response of conformity.

While these motives may seem harmless, they become spiritually dangerous if they lead us to prioritize group approval over obedience to God.

Groupthink and the Call to Stand Apart

God created us as social beings, and Scripture emphasizes the value of fellowship and community. However, our security is ultimately meant to come from God, not from the opinions of others. Conforming to group values without discernment can cause us to lose sight of our identity in Christ.

The Safety of Group Consensus

Following the crowd feels safe. Echoing group opinions helps avoid conflict or scrutiny, but this safety is deceptive; it can quickly turn into complacency or compromise. A powerful example of this is found in Scripture, particularly in the account of Jesus’ crucifixion. In the Gospels, a crowd that once praised Jesus turns on Him, shouting, “Crucify him!” (Matthew 27:15-25, Mark 15:6-15, Luke 23:13-25, John 19:1-16). Driven by fear and pressure, the crowd abandons rationality and morality to conform to the group, reminding us of how quickly groupthink can turn us away from the truth.

Do Not Conform to the World

Romans 12:2 warns, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” God calls us to resist the pull of conformity, especially when it conflicts with His Word. We are not meant to blend in but to live with integrity, even if it means standing alone. Following Christ means going against worldly values, choosing a life of faith that sometimes conflicts with popular beliefs.

Jesus reminded His disciples about the cost of following Him, saying, “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first” (John 15:18-19). Living set apart often means facing misunderstanding, rejection, or even persecution. But we are called to embrace holiness over popularity, anchoring our lives in God’s unchanging truth.

Resisting Groupthink in Today’s Culture

In our culture, societal pressures and trends create a strong, constant pull toward conformity. Groupthink often urges us to align with popular viewpoints—even when they contradict Scripture. This temptation can be subtle, encouraging us to blend in, soften our faith, or embrace perspectives that stray from God’s heart. Too often, when we encounter these contradictions, we may find ourselves justifying the popular view by reshaping or reinterpreting Scripture to fit it, rather than allowing Scripture to be our true anchor.

Yet as followers of Christ, we are called to be “set apart”—distinct, holy, and firmly grounded in God’s truth. Jesus warned that walking this path would be difficult and might at times leave us standing alone. But it is this commitment to live by God’s Word, steadfast and unchanging, that marks us as His people. Instead of bending Scripture to match the world’s shifting standards, we must root ourselves in its timeless truth, letting it guide and transform us as we navigate the pressures of culture. By anchoring ourselves in God’s truth, we find the courage and clarity to resist conformity and live fully for Him.

Ways to Stand Firm in Your Faith

Resisting conformity and groupthink requires intentionality and courage. Instead of seeking approval from others, we must look to God for wisdom and discernment through prayer, Scripture, and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Here are some ways to guard ourselves against these pressures and stay rooted in our identity as followers of Christ:

• Seek God’s Wisdom First: To stand firm, we must ground ourselves in His Word. Scripture is not just another book; it is “God-breathed” and fully inspired, as 2 Timothy 3:16-17 says: “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” The Bible is our primary source of truth and the ultimate guide for discerning right from wrong. Reading and reflecting on Scripture regularly enables us to align our hearts with God’s truth, fortifying us against worldly pressures.

• Surround Yourself with a Faithful Community: Having a community that centers on God’s truth strengthens us to stay faithful, especially when facing cultural pressures. This is the true community Jesus speaks of—not one rooted in the world, but in shared devotion to God’s Word and His ways. When we are connected to fellow believers who encourage us in truth and hold us accountable, we find the support and companionship that help us resist the pressures to conform. In this kind of community, we are reminded that we belong to God and are united in our commitment to live set apart, as He calls us to be.

• Strengthen Your Convictions: Knowing Scripture and reflecting on God’s promises deepens our convictions, equipping us to stand firm when faced with pressures to conform that conflict with our faith. It’s important to recognize the difference between condemnation/shame—which can leave us feeling unworthy or defeated—and conviction from the Holy Spirit, which gently calls us to change and align more closely with God’s truth. Conviction inspires growth and transformation without the burden of shame, helping us resist worldly influences and stay faithful to our calling in Christ.

Conformity and groupthink are powerful forces, but our identity is rooted in Christ, not in the approval of others. God calls us to align our lives with His truth, even when it sets us apart from the world. Take a moment to reflect on areas in your own life where you may be tempted to compromise your values to gain acceptance or avoid discomfort. Are there beliefs, actions, or words you’ve chosen because they feel easier than standing firm in God’s truth? In choosing to follow His path wholeheartedly, we find our true belonging, not in the fleeting acceptance of the crowd, but in the eternal love and promises of our Creator.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

Bible Resource: The Bible Recap

Faith Over Fear: Finding Certainty in God's Sovereignty

Fear is a universal emotion that affects every part of our lives. In today's polarized world, where a focus on sensationalism and divisive rhetoric often overshadows analytical reasoning and constructive dialogue, fear subtly shapes our decisions, frequently damaging relationships, hindering growth, and distancing us from God. Despite our best intentions, fear can distort our perception and judgment, leading us to act in counterproductive or harmful ways. The Bible contains numerous accounts of individuals who faltered or sinned out of fear. These biblical examples, combined with modern research, reveal how fear can be a powerful weapon for the enemy to lead us down destructive paths. But through God’s steadfast goodness, we can find hope and healing.

Biblical Examples of Fear-Driven Decisions

Throughout Scripture, we see how fear led even the most faithful followers astray despite God’s clear promises. Abraham, for example, was promised by God that he and Sarah would have a son, yet as they aged, fear caused him to doubt. Acting out of fear, Abraham had a son with Hagar, Sarah’s servant, leading to conflict and lasting consequences (Genesis 16). This story highlights how fear can push us to rely on human solutions rather than trusting in God’s covenant and timing.

Similarly, Jonah feared God’s calling to preach repentance to the people of Nineveh. Instead of trusting in God’s plan, Jonah fled, leading to his time in the belly of a great fish. His fear-driven disobedience only delayed God’s mercy, which Jonah eventually witnessed upon obeying.

Peter, one of Jesus’ closest disciples, also gave in to fear. When Jesus was arrested, Peter denied knowing Him three times, driven by fear of being associated with Jesus and suffering the same fate (Luke 22:54-62). Despite his deep love for Jesus, Peter’s fear overpowered his courage at that moment.

The Power of Fear: Evidence-Based Perspectives

While fear is often viewed negatively, it serves an essential purpose in survival. Humans have an innate sense of fear toward dangerous creatures like snakes or spiders, a protective mechanism against potential harm. This type of fear, when accurately interpreted, keeps us safe.

However, fear can hijack rational thinking when it is exaggerated or misinterpreted. Research shows that fear activates the amygdala, the brain's fear center, and triggers the fight-or-flight response. While this is helpful in genuine danger, it can lead to irrational decisions when the perceived threat is imagined or inflated. Fear narrows our thinking, reducing complex issues to black-and-white terms, making everything feel urgent and overwhelming.

During this fight-or-flight response, the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) increases heart rate and redirects blood flow to essential muscles, preparing the body for action. However, this also reduces blood flow to the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for problem-solving and decision-making—limiting our ability to think clearly. At the same time, the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), which calms the body, becomes inactive. Without the PNS to help regulate fear, we struggle to regain composure and think logically, leading to snap judgments and irrational choices.

Studies highlight that healing from fear involves restoring the mind-body connection, re-engaging the prefrontal cortex, and allowing us to respond with reason rather than reaction.

Exploitation of Fear

Fear has been a powerful tool for control throughout history. During World War II, the Nazis exploited economic instability, national security fears, and cultural shifts to manipulate entire populations. Fear-based propaganda led many to support harmful ideologies in the name of self-preservation.

Similarly, fear is a common tactic in political campaigns. Politicians often appeal to public fears, framing issues in a way that creates a sense of crisis, instead of instilling hope. This leads to fear-driven decisions rather than informed ones, distorting public perception and polarizing communities.

Fear is also weaponized in abusive relationships. Domestic violence perpetrators create environments of unpredictability and fear to control their victims. Fear paralyzes, trapping victims in cycles of shame and guilt, making it difficult for them to see a way out.

The Bible’s Command: "Do Not Fear"

Scripture repeatedly instructs us not to fear. God understands the power fear can have over us, which is why He offers reassurance throughout the Bible. As one of my favorite verses says in 2 Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.” Fear often holds us back from stepping into God’s promises, allowing the enemy to distort truth through panic and guilt. The enemy, whose name "diablo" means "to throw apart" or "scatter," uses fear to scatter our hearts, minds, souls, and bodies.

To calm our scattered selves, fear makes us crave certainty, leading us to resist discomfort with ambiguity, mystery, and anything that transcends our understanding. However, the only thing that is truly certain is that God is perfectly good and everything He promises in Scripture is trustworthy and unchanging. God gently reminds us in Isaiah 55:9, “For as heaven is higher than earth, so my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” He promises us His presence (Deuteronomy 31:6), provision (Matthew 6:31-33), protection (Psalm 91:4), peace (Psalm 29:11), strength (Isaiah 40:31), and plans for a hopeful future (Jeremiah 29:11). Most importantly, He promises us eternal life through His Son, Jesus Christ (John 3:16). When we meditate on these promises, we’re reminded that while the world is uncertain and fear often presses in on us, God’s covenant is unchanging. Surrendering to Him means trusting that His promises are true and that His plans are always for our ultimate good.

Philippians 4:6-7: God’s Instructions to Fear

In Philippians 4:6-7, Scripture provides a powerful instruction to fear:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Let's break this down:

• Do not be anxious about anything: God calls us to know Him intimately and trust in His unchanging character, finding absolute certainty in Him. To truly know Him and prevent fear and worry from dominating our thoughts, we must make time to read and reflect on His living Word.

• But in every situation, by prayer and petition: Instead of letting fear dictate our actions, we’re invited to bring everything to God boldly in prayer. Prayer redirects our focus from the problem to God, who is greater than any fear.

• With thanksgiving: Gratitude shifts our perspective and reminds us of God’s faithfulness. When we reflect on what He has done for us, trusting Him becomes much easier.

• Present your requests to God: God, in His infinite knowledge, still desires an open and honest dialogue about our fears. Though He is all-knowing, He invites us to name our struggles before Him. Even when we fail to fully grasp His will, God, in His mercy, patiently responds to our fears and provides wisdom and provision to guide us (1 Kings 19).

• And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding: This peace is a divine gift that goes beyond human comprehension. It enables us to stand firm, equipped with the shoes of peace (Ephesians 6:15), allowing us to remain steadfast in our faith while also being swift to recognize and respond to the Enemy's schemes. To embrace this peace, we must challenge ourselves to be comfortable with God's unfathomable plans for our lives.

• Will guard your hearts and your minds: God is a perfect Father who is all-powerful and has already won the battle. In moments of fear, taking deep breaths reminds us of the breath of life, helping to pull us away from the panic of the fight-or-flight response. Instead, we can focus on dwelling in and resting in His presence.

Disarming Fear: Trusting in God's Sovereignty and Finding Hope

So, how do we overcome fear? By allowing God to take charge. The Bible teaches that God is sovereign—He is always good, and He is in control, even when things feel chaotic or frightening. When we trust in God's guidance, fear begins to lose its grip on us.

A powerful example of this can be seen in the account of Moses in Exodus 4:10-17. When God called Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, he was gripped by fear, doubting his own abilities. He responded, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent...I am slow of speech and tongue” (Exodus 4:10). Moses’ fear led him to believe he was inadequate for the task God had given him. Yet, God addressed this fear, reminding Moses that He, the Creator, had control over his ability to speak. Even as God corrected him, Moses doubted once more. In His mercy, God met Moses where he was, providing his brother Aaron to help him communicate and a staff that God would use to perform miraculous signs (Exodus 4:17). God doesn’t expect us to overcome fear on our own—He walks with us and equips us.

Instead of reacting out of fear, we can seek God and trust in His plans. Fear, though natural, doesn’t have to define us or scatter us. When we surrender our fears to God, we open ourselves to a life of deeper faith, love, and peace. More than that, we find hope—a hope rooted in God's promise of restoration and redemption. This hope anchors us, reminding us that no matter how overwhelming our circumstances may seem, God’s plan is for our good.

Take time to reflect: Are we acting out of fear or hope? Consider the role fear has played in your decisions, and ask yourself, how can you surrender these fears to God today? What would change if, instead of being driven by fear, we acted out of hope in God’s restoration? Let’s take a step forward, trusting that God's perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).

www.sandraleecounseling.com

Black-and-White Thinking: Good or Bad?

Black-and-white thinking, also known as dichotomous or all-or-nothing thinking, involves seeing situations in extreme terms—either something is entirely good or entirely bad, right or wrong, with no middle ground. While this mindset can provide a sense of certainty, it often oversimplifies complex situations, relationships, and moral issues, leading to rigid judgments, unrealistic expectations, and unnecessary conflicts.

Engaging with multiple viewpoints may seem paradoxical when seeking the most accurate and correct truth, but it actually sharpens our understanding. By considering differing perspectives, we uncover blind spots, challenge biases, and gain a fuller picture of reality. This process refines our grasp of the Truth, helping us move beyond skewed views and biases to embrace the complexity of the world.

In today’s culture, black-and-white thinking has become increasingly common, especially when discussing values, faith, and politics. Society often demands that we take extreme sides, with little room for nuance. You're either completely in agreement or in full opposition. This "us vs. them" mindset can lead to villainizing those who may not fully agree with us, leaving little space for humility, conversation, or complexity.

If you've ever engaged in this type of thinking, please don't feel ashamed. As I discussed in my previous post on shame vs. conviction, there's a distinction between feeling burdened by shame and being gently convicted to grow in grace. Black-and-white thinking is something we all experience at times—what matters is how we move forward once we recognize it.

The Useful Effect of Black-and-White Thinking

When used in the right context, black-and-white thinking can be helpful, especially in high-stakes or dangerous environments where quick decisions are necessary for survival. For example, in the face of immediate danger, our minds naturally shift into all-or-nothing mode, categorizing things as "safe" or "unsafe" to help us act swiftly and avoid harm. This binary thinking keeps our brains efficient when urgent responses are needed.

While useful in moments of danger, this thinking can become maladaptive when applied to everyday life, particularly in social, relational, or moral contexts.

The Detrimental Effect of Black-and-White Thinking

In counseling, black-and-white thinking is often associated with cognitive distortions that contribute to trauma, anxiety, depression, and interpersonal conflicts. Decades of evidence-based studies demonstrate that black-and-white thinking often leads to heightened anxiety, deeper depressive symptoms, impaired emotional regulation in trauma survivors, and unstable relationships, particularly in those with personality disorders, as it limits the ability to navigate the nuanced realities of life. Individuals who fall into this mindset may struggle to find compromise, show humility and grace, or offer understanding when they or others fall short of perfection. This rigidity can lead to isolation and conflict, especially when fueled by confirmation bias—where people seek out information that confirms their existing beliefs while rejecting anything that challenges them. This narrowing of perspective reinforces the idea that one's initial judgments are correct and breeds more hostility and division.

For those who have experienced anxiety or trauma, black-and-white thinking often serves as a survival mechanism. When someone endures significant stressors, their brain may develop this binary mindset to protect them from further harm. The world becomes split into safe vs. unsafe, trustworthy vs. untrustworthy, good vs. bad. While this response may have been necessary during their experience, it becomes harmful when carried into everyday situations. Instead of providing safety, it limits a person’s ability to engage fully in relationships, resolve conflicts, and navigate life's complexities.

A biblical example of black-and-white thinking is seen when Jesus calmed the storm while His disciples were on the boat (Mark 4:35-41). In the midst of the storm, the disciples, overwhelmed with fear, accused Jesus of not caring for their safety: "Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?" (Mark 4:38). Their utter fear and perception of unsafety led them to think in extremes—that either Jesus was going to wake up and rescue them, or He didn’t care at all. Jesus, of course, calms the storm and questions their faith, reminding them that their fear-driven assumptions distorted their narrative of His care and presence.

The Rampant Effect of Confirmation Bias in Today’s Culture

In the realm of faith, we are asked to become more and more like Jesus, who, fully God and fully human, humbled Himself before God, demonstrating sacrificial love through grace and Truth. However, black-and-white thinking can lead to judgmentalism and spiritual arrogance. People may assume they alone hold the Truth, dismissing others with differing interpretations as completely wrong. This mindset fosters an environment of exclusion and cuts off opportunities for grace and unity. When convinced of holding the only "right" perspective, individuals often fall prey to confirmation bias, seeking out only the information that reinforces their beliefs while ignoring or rejecting anything that challenges them. This reinforces their sense of righteousness while blinding them to other perspectives, making respectful dialogue and empathy nearly impossible. In turn, this causes fractured relationships, loss of community, and stunts spiritual growth.

In marriage, black-and-white thinking can lead to unrealistic expectations. A spouse struggling in one area might be viewed as entirely failing, leading to resentment, bitterness, and isolation. This, too, is often fueled by confirmation bias, where one partner focuses solely on their spouse's shortcomings, reinforcing their belief that their partner is "failing." This narrow perspective prevents the grace, patience, and commitment necessary for couples to grow together, leaving little room for the nuanced work of reconciliation and mutual support.

Similarly, in politics, black-and-white thinking exacerbates divisions. Polarized political debates often reduce complex issues to simple, binary choices, where differing views are seen as either entirely right or entirely wrong. This reductionism is magnified by confirmation bias, as individuals align themselves with the information and groups that validate their existing beliefs. It deepens societal divides and eliminates the possibility for understanding, compromise, or even respectful disagreement. In this climate, nuanced conversations become rare, and opportunities for bridging differences are lost.

Scripture’s Call for Balance: Humility, Grace, and Truth

Amid this cultural and political division, Scripture provides a different path. While black-and-white thinking can serve a purpose in moments of danger, Scripture calls us to embrace a balance of humility, grace, and Truth. Ecclesiastes 7:18 tells us, "It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. Whoever fears God will avoid all extremes." This verse encourages us to reject extremes and recognize the complexity of God’s will, understanding that only God holds the Truth. We can’t fathom the fullness of His sovereignty, and we are called to trust Him rather than oversimplifying the Truth.

In the book of Job, we see God rebuke Job’s friends for their misguided counsel and narrow judgment, as they assumed, "You must have sinned to have everything taken away, including your health." Through this, God reminds Job of His infinite wisdom and plans (Job 38-40). Their attempts to simplify Job’s suffering into black-and-white categories revealed their shortsightedness.

Additionally, the Truth is often manipulated to fit black-and-white narratives. For example, some may assume that if God is all about love, His Truth should never offend or challenge them. We see a similar situation in Jeremiah's time, where false prophets offered soothing yet deceitful messages that contradicted God’s more challenging but necessary Truth (Jeremiah 23). Jeremiah warns us against reshaping God into something simple, comfortable, or aligned with our personal preferences.

Likewise, the apostle Paul echoes this call for grace and humility in Romans 14:1-4, reminding us to accept differences without passing judgment on disputable matters. We are not the final judges of others’ hearts or actions. Quick judgments and rigid thinking fall into the same traps of all-or-nothing thinking, leading to spiritual division and harm. Similarly, James 1:19-20 urges us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry," emphasizing a patient, measured approach over snap judgments.

Overcoming Black-and-White Thinking for Deep Healing

For those who struggle with black-and-white thinking—especially those for whom it served as a survival mechanism—healing begins with recognizing that not everything is as simple as it seems. Relationships, moral issues, and spiritual growth are full of gray areas that require humility, wisdom, and discernment. As we walk with Christ, we are invited to move beyond rigid categories and into the freedom of grace and Truth.

The danger of black-and-white thinking is that it limits our ability to offer and receive grace. When we view people or issues as entirely good or entirely bad, we miss out on the complexity of God’s creation, where both grace and Truth coexist. This is where deep healing can occur—when we learn to hold both sides, showing compassion without compromising the Truth, and extending grace without losing our convictions.

We are asked to become more like Jesus instead of justifying our sinful nature. We are asked to move through spiritual maturity in unity by actively listening to each other, stretching our compassion and narratives to discern the real Enemy, and seeing each other as beautiful creations of God in awe and wonder.

To break free from this trap, it’s essential to engage in thoughtful reflection. Remember the last time you were in extreme disagreement with someone. Have you sought to understand their point of view with sincere curiosity before trying to convince them they are wrong? Are you actively listening? Are you checking if you are using any confirmation bias? Are you seeking God through prayer and Scripture to open your heart, mind, and soul to clearly discern the Truth? How are you demonstrating humility and grace to the other person?

In today’s divisive and hostile climate, let us be mindful of the call to humility, grace, and Truth. May we seek wisdom from God to avoid the pitfalls of all-or-nothing thinking and embrace the fuller, more complex reality He calls us into.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

Shame vs. Conviction: Understanding the Difference Between Devastation vs. Restoration

Shame is a powerful emotion, often rooted in a sense of inadequacy or failure, that can block our spiritual and emotional growth. It is distinct from conviction, which comes from the Holy Spirit and leads us toward repentance and restoration. Shame, on the other hand, whispers that there is something inherently wrong with who we are, leading to isolation and despair.

Research has shown that shame profoundly affects mental health and well-being. Studies reveal that shame is linked to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and social withdrawal. According to Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW, a research professor and renowned expert on vulnerability, shame, and empathy at the University of Houston, shame thrives in secrecy and silence, often preventing people from reaching out for help. Additionally, evidence suggests that chronic shame can increase feelings of worthlessness, leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as avoidance, perfectionism, substance abuse, or even self-harm.

But the beauty of the gospel is that we are not defined by our shame. In Christ, we are made new. The grace of God provides a path for us to move beyond shame and into healing.

The Difference Between Conviction and Shame

Conviction is the Holy Spirit’s gentle way of alerting us to sin or behavior that separates us from God. Unlike shame, conviction does not attack our identity. Instead, it focuses on specific actions or attitudes that need to change. Conviction leads us to repentance and reconciliation with God, opening the door for healing and spiritual growth.

In John 16:8, we see the role of the Holy Spirit: “When he comes, he will prove the world to be in the wrong about sin and righteousness and judgment.” Conviction is a call to correction out of love, drawing us closer to God, where we can experience His forgiveness.

Shame, however, comes from the enemy and tells us that there is something fundamentally wrong with who we are. It distorts our identity, making us feel unworthy, unloved, and irredeemable. Shame drives us away from God, keeping us trapped in a cycle of self-condemnation and hiding.

The Roots of Shame

Shame can develop from various sources—past mistakes, failures, rejections, relationships, or even societal expectations. It whispers lies that we are not enough, we don’t belong, that we are unworthy of love or forgiveness, and that we must hide our true selves. These lies distort our identity, pulling us further from the truth of who we are in Christ.

Psychological studies demonstrate that societal pressures, including unrealistic expectations set by media and cultural norms, contribute to a pervasive sense of shame. In today’s world, there is also a growing expectation to conform to popular beliefs, where shame is frequently used to silence or ostracize those with differing opinions. This creates a culture of fear and isolation, where disagreement is often met with condemnation. Over time, this societal shame becomes internalized, causing individuals to struggle with feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, which in turn erodes their confidence and ability to form meaningful connections.

In Genesis, after Adam and Eve sinned, they hid from God, covered in shame. This pattern repeats in our own lives when we feel exposed or inadequate. Shame often causes us to retreat, thinking we need to hide from God, believing we’re unworthy of His love.

The Role of Grace

Grace is the undeserved favor of God. Through Jesus’ death and resurrection, we are not only forgiven for our sins but also freed from the shame that so often accompanies them. Romans 8:1 reminds us, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

When we experience grace, we are given the freedom to see ourselves as God sees us—loved, redeemed, and whole. Grace meets us in our lowest moments and covers our inadequacies. Where shame says, “I am not enough,” grace says, “You are loved just as you are.”

Moving from Shame to Healing

Overcoming shame requires recognizing it, confessing it to God, and accepting His grace. Here are a few practical steps to help shift from a place of shame to healing:

• Identify the Source of Your Shame – Take time to prayerfully consider where your shame originates. Is it linked to a specific event, mistake, or lie you’ve believed? As Jesus commands us to pray in His name and rebuke the enemy, we exercise the authority He has given us over the lies of shame. Naming our shame is the first step toward healing, allowing us to confront it and claim the victory Christ has already won for us.

• Bring it to the Light—Shame thrives in secrecy. Bring your shame into light through reading Scripture, prayer, counseling, and a trusted friend and/or community. When we confess our struggles, we create space for God’s grace to heal those wounds.

• Discern Between Shame and Conviction – Pray for wisdom to distinguish between the enemy’s lies of shame and the Holy Spirit’s conviction. Conviction leads you to repent and restore your relationship with God, but shame keeps you feeling stuck and withdrawn. Recognize that conviction is a sign of God’s love, pointing you back to the truth and leading you toward freedom.

• Renew Your Mind – Shame distorts our perception of ourselves. We need to actively renew our minds through Scripture and prayer. Meditate on verses like 2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" Let God’s Word replace the lies that shame has told you.

• Accept God’s Forgiveness and Grace – Allow yourself to fully receive the forgiveness that God offers. You are not defined by your past mistakes or by how others have hurt you. Embrace the grace that covers you and allows you to walk in freedom.

• Practice Self-Compassion – In the same way God extends grace to us, we must learn to extend grace to ourselves. Treat yourself with kindness and forgiveness, knowing that God is patient with your healing process.

Grace in Community

We were never meant to carry shame alone. The body of Christ is designed to be a place where we can confess, heal, and be supported in love. James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” In a loving, grace-filled community, we find the strength to overcome shame.

When we choose grace over shame, we allow God to write a new story for our lives. No longer bound by the lies of the enemy, we are free to walk in our true identity as children of God, reflecting His love and grace to others. If you’re unsure where to begin, consider joining a small group to experience the support of a community that encourages healing and growth.

Conclusion

Shame may feel overwhelming, but it is not the final word over your life. God's grace is more than sufficient to cover our deepest wounds and to restore us to wholeness. As we step into His grace, we not only experience profound healing but also learn to live in the freedom that Christ intended for us.

Let this be a season where you allow grace to speak louder than shame, and remember, in Christ, you are fully known, fully accepted, and fully loved.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

Love Story: The Power of Narrative

[Disclaimer: This blogpost is intended for those who frequently find themselves trapped in unproductive, unhealthy relationship patterns and are eager to break the cycle. Before proceeding, I want to clarify that I did not write this with the intent to address or reference any form of *abusive behavior.]

While we often expect that love alone should make relationships effortless, the reality is that maintaining healthy and fulfilling connections requires ongoing effort. Misunderstandings, conflicts, and emotional distances can build up, leaving couples, friends, and family members feeling disconnected and disheartened. By transforming the stories we tell ourselves and each other, we can foster deeper connections and stronger bonds.

The Power of Stories in Relationships

Our lives are shaped by the stories we tell. These narratives influence how we see ourselves, perceive others, and interact with the world around us. In relationships, the stories we construct about our partners or loved ones can significantly impact the health and satisfaction of those connections. If we continuously tell ourselves a story where our partner, a family member, or a friend is inconsiderate or unloving, our interactions are likely to be colored by frustration and resentment. Conversely, if we intentionally focus on a narrative that acknowledges their inherent goodness while considering other possible reasons for disagreements, we're more likely to approach the relationship with appreciation and positivity.

As Scripture says, we are encouraged to sanctify ourselves and see others as God’s beloved, created in His image, and so precious that He sent His one and only Son to die for them: "Therefore become imitators of God [copy Him and follow His example], as well-beloved children [imitate their father]; and walk continually in love [that is, value one another—practice empathy and compassion, unselfishly seeking the best for others], just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God [slain for you, so that it became] a sweet fragrance" (Ephesians 5:1-2). By following this example, we can transform our relational narratives to reflect empathy, compassion, and selfless love.

Externalizing Problems: It’s Not Them, It’s the Enemy. It’s Our Sinful Nature.

A powerful technique in transforming relationships is externalization, which involves viewing problems as separate from the individuals involved. Instead of seeing our partner, a family member, or a friend as difficult or malicious, we can recognize that issues like misunderstandings, stress, exhaustion, and past trauma are manifestations of our shared sinful nature and external forces, including the influence of the Enemy, Satan, which can be addressed collaboratively.

Imagine a couple grappling with frequent arguments. Instead of labeling each other as argumentative or incompatible, they might externalize the issue by saying, "We've had a challenging day and are under spiritual attack. I notice myself feeling easily angered and misunderstanding what you're saying. But I recognize that you're here because you love me and want to resolve this. I love you, and I want to resolve it, too." This shift in perspective transforms the couple into a team addressing a shared challenge rather than adversaries in conflict. Moreover, by intentionally highlighting and appreciating each other's positive qualities—such as kindness, efforts, and strengths—the couple strengthens their bond and collaborates more effectively. Recognizing the influence of sin and the Enemy, while focusing on their God-given positive attributes, enables them to support and encourage each other in overcoming these obstacles.

Deconstructing Negative Narratives and Re-authoring Relationships

Transforming relationships involves not only deconstructing negative narratives that dominate our thinking but also exploring their origins and challenging their validity. These harmful stories often stem from past experiences, unrealistic expectations, or societal pressures rather than the Truth.

Once these negative narratives are broken down and understood, the focus can shift to re-authoring more empowering and constructive stories. Couples, family members, or friends can redefine their narrative by emphasizing strengths and successes, thereby creating a more positive and hopeful outlook on their relationship.

For example, a husband might feel inadequate due to past emotional wounds from his family and current financial stress. This narrative can cast a long shadow over his relationship with his wife, leading to irritability and insecurity, especially during discussions about finances. He might misinterpret his wife’s genuine attempts to address their financial situation as accusations of mistrust and irresponsibility. By examining the narrative he holds about himself and his wife, understanding its origins, and then creating a new perspective that recognizes both his and his wife’s identity as God's beloved, he can improve his self-perception and enhance how he relates to his wife. This transformation contributes to healthier conflict resolution in their relationship.

Drawing from Scripture

Incorporating principles from Scripture can further enrich the process of transforming relationships. These principles provide a foundation of love, forgiveness, and hope, which are essential for healthy relationships.

Recognizing Our Brokenness: According to Scripture, all humans are born with a sinful nature (Romans 3:23). Recognizing that everyone, including ourselves, is inherently flawed can foster humility and compassion in our relationships.

Seeing Each Other as God Sees Us: The Bible teaches that we are all children of God and deeply loved by Him (1 John 3:1). This perspective encourages us to view our loved ones as valuable and worthy of love and respect. Understanding that God loves each of us immensely can help us to extend that same love and respect to others, regardless of their flaws.

Forgiveness and Grace: We are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us, which emphasizes extending grace to one another, understanding that everyone makes mistakes and that redemption is always possible (Ephesians 4:32).

Promises of Transformation: By focusing on God's promises and the new life found in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), couples, families, and friends can rewrite their stories with confidence in the positive changes God can bring to their relationships.

Prayer and Reflection: Incorporating prayer into the process of transforming relationships can provide guidance and strength. Reflecting on Scripture and seeking God’s wisdom can help individuals find new perspectives and solutions. "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).

Practical Steps to Implement Transformative Narratives with Scriptural Principles

Tell Your Stories: Take time to share your individual stories with each other. Listen actively and empathetically, seeking to understand the perspectives and experiences that shape each person’s narrative.

Externalize the Problems: Practice viewing issues as external to your and your loved one’s identity. Instead of blaming each other, name the problem as something you can tackle together.

Challenge Negative Narratives: Reflect on the negative stories that dominate your thinking. Where do they come from? Are they truly reflective of your current reality? Consider how scriptural principles might provide a different perspective.

Focus on Positive Moments: Cultivate a habit of acknowledging and celebrating the positive aspects of your relationship. Intentionally recognize the talents and gifts that God has blessed your loved ones with. Reflect on the times when you overcame challenges together, allowing these moments to inspire your ongoing story.

Seek God’s Guidance: Incorporate prayer and Scripture into your reflection. Ask God for wisdom and strength to rewrite your stories in a way that honors Him and brings you closer together.

Seek Professional Guidance: If needed, consider working with a counselor or therapist. A trained professional like myself at Sandra Lee Christian Counseling can provide the tools and support necessary to navigate this transformative process.

Conclusion: The Power of Rewriting

We can profoundly enhance our relationships by transforming the stories we tell, starting with the perspective that our partners, family members, or friends are God's beloved. Externalizing problems, understanding that it's not them but the influence of the Enemy and everyone's sinful nature, and deconstructing negative narratives allow us to see challenges in a new light. Through this process, we cultivate deeper understanding, empathy, and connection with our loved ones.

This approach not only strengthens our relationships but also enriches our lives with the steadfast support and love of those we hold dear. Therefore, let us take a step back, listen to the stories with discernment, seek wisdom from God's Word, and embark on the journey of rewriting our shared narrative. In doing so, we can pave the way for a brighter, more connected future filled with grace, forgiveness, and enduring love.

www.sandraleecounseling.com

*If you have any concerns about abuse, please don’t hesitate to seek help. Visit https://www.thehotline.org for free, confidential, and 24/7 access to resources and support.